


forgetting i loved you

by katsvragi



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Angst, Break Up, I'm sorry Hide you deserve better, M/M, Post-Break Up, Trans Male Character, Trans Nagachika Hideyoshi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-25
Updated: 2020-08-25
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:08:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,362
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26106976
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/katsvragi/pseuds/katsvragi
Summary: Hide sees Kaneki again after a month and he realizes that he shouldn't let him continue to invade his thoughts as much anymore.
Relationships: Kaneki Ken | Sasaki Haise/Kirishima Touka, Kaneki Ken | Sasaki Haise/Nagachika Hideyoshi
Comments: 5
Kudos: 43





	forgetting i loved you

**Author's Note:**

> This. was saddening to write for me because Kanehide/Hidekane are my otp as well as comfort ship. But alas, this is me we're talking about -- I am an angst addict for a reason!
> 
> This was loosely and kinda obviously inspired by the song Congratulations by Day6! I definitely recommend the song and watching the mv as I used some of it for inspiration, as well as looking at the lyrics if you want !

It was suffocating. Every single thought and memory that flashed into his mind of _him_ , was suffocating. Hide had no idea how _he_ was, but himself? He felt as if his entire world had collapsed. He knows it was a breakup, Nishio is always reminding him that he can find love somewhere else, but Nishio is wrong. He is so wrong.

Kaneki Ken was not just someone he dated for a while and then broke up with. More than half of Hide’s memories involved Kaneki Ken. He was different from some usual break up. Kaneki Ken was everywhere in his thoughts. He was there beside him, supporting him, cheering him on, and watching him from far away.

Getting over Kaneki Ken after spending nearly his entire life with him was most definitely not easy.

Every time he came home, he would remember himself and Ken stumbling into his apartment in giggles or sometimes kissing. Sometimes just quietly with stupid smiles on their faces or one of them nagging the other. Then the kitchen where they would spend time cooking together, cleaning, more kisses, and...it was the place where they shared their first kiss.

Then, the living room. The coffee table they would study on, sometimes Ken would fall asleep there when he was up late working on his assignments or reading. The couch where they cuddled and shared, even more, kisses, and where they would sometimes fall asleep watching movies or just talking. The times Ken would lay on Hide’s lap while he was watching a show or when Hide would lay on his lap while he was reading one of Takatsuki Sen’s novels.

The bathroom where they would sometimes shower together or when times were tough, one would help the other to a warm bath and take care of him. Where they would bump shoulders as they brushed their teeth together and make faces at each other through the mirror.

The bedroom. The one that had a bit of both in it on the walls and in the closet. The bed where they slept in each other's arms where they felt safe. The one they lazed around on during their days off. The one where many words filled with love, comfort, warmth were shared. The very one where Hide finally let Kaneki Ken see all of him and not feel as if he was any less than him.

Now, Hide’s home was bare. Nothing that gave the hint that someone used to live there or the showcase of a loving home of a loving couple was there. The walls were stripped of the frames of the two, the certificates, and the awards that belonged to him. The living room no longer had the small shelf filled with many books, nor were there any books randomly laying on the coffee table or the couches.

The bathroom had only one towel hung, one toothbrush, one mug to rinse with, and no more bathrobe. The room was now almost empty. Hide didn't own many things - so the room wasn't filled with anything decorative. The other picture frames were also taken down. The closet was half of what it used to be. The right side of the bed was hardly ever messy now.

Hide shuffles into an empty seat silently. He has to ride the bus today because his bike has got a flat tire. He wasn’t too excited about it but he’s grateful that it was almost empty. He sat as the bus drove, scrolling through his music library to find a certain song he had stuck in his head. He isn’t even going to deny it, the song reminded him a lot of Ken.

He sighs quietly before shifting in his seat as the bus stopped. He wasn’t looking forward to his day honestly. He was going to the doctor’s office for his weekly appointment and he _hated_ going there. He looks up momentarily to see where they had stopped and met wide, grey eyes. He looked back down but quickly raised his head again and his breath hitched.

There he was, sitting directly across from him, Kaneki Ken. He was in casual clothing, nothing special really, but Hide still thought he looked beautiful. His hair was white still, but his roots had begun to come out, mixing in with the dyed white, yet it looked really good on him. He looked cuter. Softer, even.

Ken stared at him with wide eyes, swallowing and throwing a glance to the person beside him before looking away from Hide’s gaze. It didn’t go unnoticed. Hide looked beside Ken and there he saw the girl, Touka, from Anteiku. He lowered his gaze and he couldn't stop the stinging of his eyes as he noticed they were holding each other’s hands.

Ken’s hands...they were always warm, soft...and they made Hide feel safe. Hide loved pressing light kisses on his knuckles, massaging his hands, and just holding them. They were so pretty and one of the many things that made Kaneki Ken beautiful. But they no longer brought Hide those safe moments. They were no longer the ones Hide reached for at night after a nightmare or the ones that would run through his hair. They weren’t the ones that held him close.

They were the ones losing familiarity with him and now memorizing her.

He forces himself to look away from them and watches silently as they whisper to each other and smile. Ken seemed happy. That’s great. But Hide cant be happy for him. Why was Ken happy? Why was he smiling and laughing and holding hands with someone new easily? Was Hide just...nothing? Were the many years they spent together nothing to Ken? Had Hide spent his time crying and reminiscing the past over someone who didn’t seem to care?

He feels so stupid now. His old childhood best friend and ex-lover moved on from him after merely a month. Over ten years beside each other and it only took a month for him to find someone new and be happy. Was he the only one who was in love during the course of their relationship?

That can't be. Hide remembers Ken’s gentle touches. All the whispers of comfort and loving words. The times he caught Ken staring as he did anything at all. He _had_ to have real feelings to do that. But why? Why was he sitting there, holding a girl’s hand, and looking at her as if she hung the stars if it _was_ real? Shouldn't he be at least guilty or still upset because not only did he break off a three-year relationship, but also more than ten years of friendship?

Hide closes his eyes. He can't understand. He feels disbelief, anger, sadness, and longing. Disbelief at how Ken looked fine. Angry at Ken for being happy despite Hide feeling as if his entire world came crashing down. Sadness, because he _missed_ him. And Longing, because he wanted Ken to tell him it was some fucked up prank and he was going back to him. Back to how it used to be. When they were in love and nothing would change that.

“Oh- Hide? Is that you?”

His eyes open and now Touka is staring at him with a small smile on her lips. Ken is still avoiding his eyes.

He forces a grin, “Hey Touka-chan! Long time since we've seen each other!”

Touka nods, “It's been nearly four years, hasn't it? I returned to the ward about three months ago. I finally settled everything I had to do so I got to return. How have you been? Kaneki won't say a word about you.”

Hide can't help but let a _real_ smile show. She called him Kaneki. Not Ken. But a thought crossed his head that made it drop slightly, _maybe she preferred calling him Kaneki over Ken._

“That's good to hear. I've been alright, nothing exciting to share,” Hide glances at Ken who was fumbling with his hands.

“Oh, well I'm glad you're doing well! Where are you headed to?”

_Stop. Leave me alone._

“I have a doctor's appointment today.”

At those words, Ken’s head snapped up.

“Will you be okay?”

Hide wanted to scoff. Why act worried now? Why does he care? Who is he to care now? But his chest tightens and he feels that stupid feeling in his stomach at the sound of Ken’s voice.

He _missed_ his voice. It was always so sweet, gentle, and Hide thought it was music to his ears. He loved his voice so much. He'd even make Ken use voice messages just so he could hear it. Ken could convey his feelings in his voice without realizing and that gave Hide the chance to know his real feelings if he wasn't being honest. He missed the way Ken would randomly compliment him in that tone that made it so obvious he was honest and in love. He missed Ken’s whiny tone when he wanted attention or tried to convince Hide to do something.

“Yeah,” Hide replied plainly, subconsciously scratching the side of his chin. He doesn't fail to notice the way Ken follows the movement carefully. Yet, he didn't say anything about it.

Thankfully, Touka seems to get a hint and doesn't continue asking Hide anything or attempting to converse. Hide looks back down at his hands. He remembers the way they looked when they were holding Ken’s.

The bus comes to a stop and he gets up, not going forward towards the doors when he realizes Touka and Ken are also getting off. He lets them go first before following with his head hanging. Hide was going straight and they seemed to be going towards the left.

“It was great seeing you, Hide!” Touka says with a smile and a wave before walking away.

Ken, Hide realizes, didn't move to follow her and instead stood still in front of Hide.

“What do you want? I have somewhere to be. I'll be late.” Hide grumbles.

“I know you always go an hour earlier to calm yourself down. You won't be late...I just wanted to say that you will be fine and to not let your thoughts overwhelm you.”

Hide’s eyes well up and he looks up at Ken’s blurry face, “You have _no right_ to tell me that. You know damn well you don't.”

Ken’s face drops, “I know. I'm sorry.”

“I-” Hide wipes his eyes and finally meets Ken’s eyes without either of them avoiding it or without tears blurring them. “Is it because you wanted a- a _girl_?”

Ken’s expression twists into one of confusion and something else Hide couldn't bother to pinpoint.

“What? No- Hide, no.” Ken’s voice is stern, serious, and Hide can't help but think he wasn't lying. “It isn't like that at all.”

“Oh, really?” But Hide just couldn't bring himself to trust it, “So what, you know me for over ten years. You were there when I came out, transitioned, confessed, and did _everything_ we did together. You're telling me to not think that you left me because my gender is male when my biology isn't? That you wanted the whole girl package? What else could be the reason, Ken- Kaneki?”

Ken flinches at the words and grimaces at the use of Kaneki. He’d gotten used to Ken.

“Hide-”

“ _Nagachika_.”

Ken’s stoic expression drops to one of hurt and Hide almost wants to take it back. _Almost._

“Nagachika, I did not see you as anything other than a man. I did not- I did not break up with you because I wished you were a woman. That was never it. I _swear_ , Hi- Nagachika. _I swear_.”

Ken’s voice breaks off at the last words and Hide can feel himself wanting to cry again. He subconsciously wraps his arms around himself, suddenly feeling self-conscious and vulnerable.

“Kaneki, you left me without a single explanation. Almost all my memories involve you and- and you were the person that I thought would be my endgame. I saw you as my soulmate, my everything. And you just- you just one day up and leave and what else was I supposed to think? What else other than that you never loved me, that you got tired of me, that you realized you wanted a woman and not someone like _me_ –”

“Hide don't you fucking dare degrade yourself or make yourself feel any less than a man. You aren't gross. You aren't disgusting or vile. You are a man. You're the man I love–”

“Nagachika,” Hide growls. “You don't get to leave me and then try to comfort me when I have a doctor’s appointment. You don't get to stop me in the middle of the street and try to pretend it's like how it used to be. You have no place to do that- not anymore. You don't get to tell me to not feel like shit over my gender and dysphoria after you left me for a fucking woman. Kaneki, I'm done crying over you. I'm done with all of it. I can't keep my hopes up that you'll come back to me when you clearly moved on - after a fucking month, unbelievable. Don't talk to me ever again. Act like we're strangers - as if we never spent those years together. As if I was never in your life. Just leave me alone.”

Hide turns away, ignoring Ken- Kaneki calling for him to wait. He ignores the calls as he heads towards a place he dreads away from the man that is still painfully the love of his life.

Kaneki Ken was many things to Hideyoshi Nagachika. His best friend, his supporter, his partner, his everything, and his will to keep going despite feeling as if he didn't belong in a world where he wasn't born as he should've been. Kaneki Ken was his life. He was the reason he looked forward to another day and to the mornings when he'd wake earlier than him to watch him rest.

Kaneki Ken may have once been everything Hideyoshi Nagachika needed and loved, but now he was his deepest regret and his former love.


End file.
